Here it is, April 4th.  No word since March 7th.  I guess I am abandoned. 

What hurts the most.....I thought he had some respect for me, to tell me the truth.  Once again, I trusted someone I shouldn't have.  Fucking killing me.

FUUUUUCK!  I WANNA CUT SO FUCKING BAD RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hurting still.........

No word still.  No communication at all.  and it's killing me.  Had a bad dream that he purposely moved hours away, just to get away from me.  I woke crying.  That has made my whole day fucked. 

Do promises made to someone no longer in your life still count?  If not, I find myself with an almost overwhelming need to cut...again.  Just to let the pain out.  I can't really talk to anyone about this.  No one really knows the depths of my feelings.  Fuck, even I am not sure the depth of my feelings!!!  Outside of the feeling of abandonment.  And that hurts so fucking much. Which then brings up all those old feelings of inadequacy. I'm just not good enough.  Not for anyone.  Hell, I can't even keep my spouse happy.  so why am I here?  why do I try...... just..........why.

I feel...lost.  Disjointed.  Abandoned.  I think of him, every day.  All the time.  Miss him as each day passes.  I can't contact him.  I had only his cell number, and that phone is about dead.  Has to buy a new one, but has no funds yet.  And so...after barely 3 or 4 texts back and forth on the 7th, I have not heard from him, for 2 weeks. 

He called me his baby girl.  He said he cared.  So why hasn't he tried to contact me?  He has my email, my FB page and my FL page.  But...nothing. 

I want to cut....I promised him I wouldn't, but he isn't here. 

I try each day to put on a happy face.  But each day that dawns, it's harder and harder to do so. 

WTF is wrong with me?  I should be happy with my lot in life.  Beautiful kids, a (mostly) loving husband....but my heart wants more.  Each time I think, yeah, maybe this is what we were looking for......something happens and they leave me.  One way or another.....  I must be...tainted...somehow. Fucked up...broken.

I know he is searching for answers too, right now.  But...CONTACT ME!  I cry each day, not hearing from him.  Each and every FUCKING day! 

what to do

My heart....has been broken.  It has been walked on...tossed aside like it was junk.  All because I decided I could open it up and accept another in.  I had to walk away.  Hurt too much. 

I thought I found another.  *sigh*  I don't know anymore.  This, too, is causing pain. 

Maybe I just never should have said..sure! lets try this..... 

I do stupid things when my heart hurts.  None of them are good things.  I can see myself falling into this dark hole again, getting ready to bleed.  Physically I mean.  SO not a good thing.  I have scars on my leg.  But I don't care.  That is the scariest part of all. 

*sigh*

It's done...it's over.  I took a chance, opened my heart, my home, my family, made myself vulnerable and was walked on it seems.  At least it feels that way.  My heart is in shreds.  I loved like I loved only one other.  And now, I just want to cut to relieve the pain, let the hurt out.  I can not do so.  I want to.  OH how I ACHE to do so! 

He always made excuses for his "friend".  Never defended me.  Never stood up for me.  You don't do that to someone you profess to love!  And so....I'm gone. 

I will always love you, sugar bear.  I do hope you have a wonderful life. 

Woman's World, WTF?

Ok, folks. This was regodsdamneddiculous. There was a headline on Woman's World mag that said: FROM A SIZE 18 TO A BEAUTY QUEEN! What the FUCK were you asshats thinking? A woman who is a size 18 CAN'T be a beauty queen, or beautiful to you guys? Says WHO?!?! Your idea of beauty is certainly NOT mine.

That headline offended me to the point that I will never buy your magazine again.

Yes, I am happy the woman who was the center of that article lost weight and became happier with her life. But that does not mean that every woman who is over weight or a BBW needs to lose weight to be happy or beautiful.

You, Woman's World, need to rethink your wording and maybe your reporters.