FUUUUUCK!  I WANNA CUT SO FUCKING BAD RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hurting still.........

No word still.  No communication at all.  and it's killing me.  Had a bad dream that he purposely moved hours away, just to get away from me.  I woke crying.  That has made my whole day fucked. 

Do promises made to someone no longer in your life still count?  If not, I find myself with an almost overwhelming need to cut...again.  Just to let the pain out.  I can't really talk to anyone about this.  No one really knows the depths of my feelings.  Fuck, even I am not sure the depth of my feelings!!!  Outside of the feeling of abandonment.  And that hurts so fucking much. Which then brings up all those old feelings of inadequacy. I'm just not good enough.  Not for anyone.  Hell, I can't even keep my spouse happy.  so why am I here?  why do I try...... just..........why.

I feel...lost.  Disjointed.  Abandoned.  I think of him, every day.  All the time.  Miss him as each day passes.  I can't contact him.  I had only his cell number, and that phone is about dead.  Has to buy a new one, but has no funds yet.  And so...after barely 3 or 4 texts back and forth on the 7th, I have not heard from him, for 2 weeks. 

He called me his baby girl.  He said he cared.  So why hasn't he tried to contact me?  He has my email, my FB page and my FL page.  But...nothing. 

I want to cut....I promised him I wouldn't, but he isn't here. 

I try each day to put on a happy face.  But each day that dawns, it's harder and harder to do so. 

WTF is wrong with me?  I should be happy with my lot in life.  Beautiful kids, a (mostly) loving husband....but my heart wants more.  Each time I think, yeah, maybe this is what we were looking for......something happens and they leave me.  One way or another.....  I must be...tainted...somehow. Fucked up...broken.

I know he is searching for answers too, right now.  But...CONTACT ME!  I cry each day, not hearing from him.  Each and every FUCKING day!