hurting still.........

No word still.  No communication at all.  and it's killing me.  Had a bad dream that he purposely moved hours away, just to get away from me.  I woke crying.  That has made my whole day fucked. 

Do promises made to someone no longer in your life still count?  If not, I find myself with an almost overwhelming need to cut...again.  Just to let the pain out.  I can't really talk to anyone about this.  No one really knows the depths of my feelings.  Fuck, even I am not sure the depth of my feelings!!!  Outside of the feeling of abandonment.  And that hurts so fucking much. Which then brings up all those old feelings of inadequacy. I'm just not good enough.  Not for anyone.  Hell, I can't even keep my spouse happy.  so why am I here?  why do I try...... just..........why.