I think my marriage is over. And the really sad thing? I don't think I care anymore. I can no longer handle being Mommy to a fake child "living" inside my dear husband. Oops...make that 2. This is a fucked life. I have been "living" this life since just after my last baby was born. Just about 3 1/2 years. I almost wish my marriage ended then. At least, I would not be 1200+ fucking miles from all of my family. Virtually alone. No real friends....no family here at all. I don't know if I can do this anymore. All I do have here are my girls. Without them, I fear where I would be....probably 6 feet under by now.
I tried cutting my arm tonight. Fucking blade was dull. Just some raised bumps. No cuts. I even fuck THAT up.
Yeah...I said some terrible things. I wouldn't have, if he hadn't started it. He couldn't have hurt me more if he had hit me. So.....do I stay or go? I have no money...no where to go. No one to turn to. So I guess I have to stay.
He said....you haven't held me for a long time. Why? Because I never have my husband anymore. It's always someone else. It usually also ends up being about him, what he wants, what HIS needs are. Like I don't have any? I guess not, according to him.
And so.....I try and cut. And it is fucking dull. I wish my emotions were dull. Then I would not be in so much pain. Which is why I try and cut. To release that pain. But, again....dull. So I sit and I cry and I suffer. AND THE FUCK TARD WILL NOT EVEN TALK TO ME!!!!!!
GO TO FUCKING HELL BRYCE EDWARD WILSON.
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