Woke early, horrible headache. Couldn't sleep. He would not even say goodnight to me. Just shut down his work shit, grabbed his phone, shut off the light and shut the fucking door. *shrugs* What ever. He can kiss my ass, go to hell, what ever the fuck. I don't care anymore. I am not even sure I love him anymore. I just..........don't know. He has hurt me so very much the past few years. Hurt me to the point of a deep need to hurt myself. Hurt me to the point of having to go on antidepressant medication. I think post partum was just the base for all that. I could have gotten over that just fine, if not for all the fucking bullshit of an inner kid who has a deep seated need to be fucked by men. Lovely, eh? If I said sure, go, I am positive he would go and find some guy to get fucked by. Positive. And he wouldn't see anything wrong with it. Why??? Because he has no fucking sense of commitment in that aspect. That happens when your brought up seeing that happen all the time..... A father who will fuck anything with a dick and will bend over, including his own sons, and an uncle and his lover who decide your their new fuck toy because your a cute teenager. Wrong way to live. Way wrong. And I am the one who has to adapt? No. Not anymore. I'm tired of it all. I want a normal marriage, but I know I am never going to have it.
Who would want me, anyway? I'm fat, ugly, a bitch. I feel almost like I want to die right now. I think the only ones to miss me would be my daughters. But they are young enough, they'd get over it. At least, I like to think they'd miss me. Not sure on that anymore either.
Oh, I finally did cut my arm. Didn't feel anything...no pain, no release, nothing. Who fucking cares, anyway. He certainly doesn't.
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